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Just about locked up today when some client asked me what I was doing special for Mothers Day. Pfft. Then she explained she was asking about ad specials. Ha! Then someone asked what Sophie & I had planned - I think it was Elisha, but I don't remember - and I had to explain that my only hasn't spoken to me since December. Then we talked about tubal reversals and babies.

Mothers Day will from here on replace Valentines Day as far as traumatic holidays, except for my mom, who is awesome and whom I love immensely, Mothers Day can go away as far as I'm concerned.

I want a kid to mother so bad. Elisha's kids are so awesome. I met them today & it was so much fun talking to them. I miss Sophie so fucking bad.

I want my husband to stop feeling so bad and freaking out.

I want my husband to show he cares more and to go off fantasy land less.

I'm so lonely.

My shrink told me that the fact that I dream about Sophie several times a night means I'm not dealing with it. How do I deal with something I can't fix, I asked her. Write a letter to her is her answer for this week. I have a few days before that's due. It'll entail gut wrenching sobbing and I hate that.

So, no, since you asked, my meds aren't working.

I had a great day, then suddenly dropped low. Please don't let me wake up like this. I'm being honored at the senior meals for Volunteer Apprecion day. Jess: you should come get appreciated with me, you're the one typing up the menus!

I will survive my life It will get easier. Business is booming and we're about to explode! I have to concentrate. I just found out the position of Main Street Coordinator is part time and pays. If we get the loan, we can staff better, letting me network more and I WANT THAT JOB.

It doesn't replace her though, not for one second of any day since December. And going to bed hungry sucks, too.

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The appreciation lunch is at 11am, and we get to eat with the old folks after. W00t. Come!!!! Oh, they will take our picture, but wear whatever. Everybody else does.

The Main Street Coordinator position basically is an employee of the not for profit that a city who's in the program creates, and for the size of Anthony, it's a part-time position. It has to be someone with a background in marketing who can reach a lot of people, who can get their point across and get people fired up to volunteer to fix up the town, and be organized. Uh...that's me, right? Well, I CAN be organized when I have help, but I need full-time help, we're getting there!!

I'm sure they'll hire some dumbass who knows nothing about anything, but maybe not. The new commissioners I'm sure can see the difference between someone who's good at writing grants and sucks at marketing, and someone who kicks ASS at marketing, isn't afraid to do public speaking, isn't afraid to try it a different way, is an awesome cheerleader, and who can (well, I'm getting better at) delegate jobs to people who will enjoy and be fulfilled by the job their asked to do.

20 hours a week, and it won't happen till AFTER we open the print shop, when we'll have more staff. We can also be the designated printer for the not for profit corp (even if I don't get the job, that'll probably happen) plus if we get the sign shop stuff, I'm 99% sure I know a guy who'd be glad to get out of his shitty job with a failing company who does design AND can do signs, which would free up a bit of time for me. PLUS the more our name is out there, the more printing we get, the more ads we get, the more subscribers we get. WINNING.

OH SHIT! The thing I probably forgot to tell you about is tomorrow. Gah, I'm so stressed it's making me a moron lately. Health Fair in Anthony tomorrow from 7am to 1pm. I can do the setup, our table has to be set up by 6:30 am. Jeez, I'm pretty sure I forgot to tell you about this. GRR. It's just selling subscriptions, though, so I can do it alone. I'm so sorry, I'm pretty sure I forgot. I keep forgetting I even said I'd do it, but this one, I can't back out of. Plus we need the money.

And I woke up pissy and depressed again today. New meds first week of May I hope. Those things they're giving me now make me feel like I'm gonna jump out of my skin...not good for stress or anxiety, really. LOL

Love you.

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