(no subject)
ramona
grlfridae


Most of my journal is friends-only, if you're wondering why you can't see much going on.
I do add people, if I find them interesting, and want to share my journal with them, so just ask.
If I say no, don't be sad, I actually use this as a journal, so lots of what I post is stuff I don't want everyone I know to read.

(no subject)
ramona
grlfridae
You know what's awesome? Spending most of my birthday money on new clothes, then waking up the next day to new undies, new socks (OMG I needed socks SO bad!), new tummy slimming tank top (I've found myself with loose tummy skin lately, very annoying) and new jeans that look TINY to me, but actually FIT. Since January, I've gained one pound and lost THREE inches off my waist. I'm THIRTY pounds heavier than I was the last time I could lay down and have my hip bones stick out (six years ago, I think) and I'm not starving myself. Not eating enough, I'm pretty sure, but I eat as much as I want when I want. I eat butter on most of what I eat, I drink half and half in my coffee, cream in sauces, I eat bacon, and steak, and tons of salads and yummy veggies and nuts and fruit and EGGS, whole eggs, sometimes ten a week. I feel better physically than I have ever felt. I feel STRONG again. I race up flights of stairs, sprint to people's door when I deliver papers, do everything I do physically HARD and jump around when I feel like my heart's not pumping hard enough. Now, all I need to do is make time to really exercise and I'll bet I get ripped FAST.

Ok. Now to finish this paper and have some FUN outside today!
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(no subject)
ramona
grlfridae
Went to therapy and got my desk a bit more organized...it's better. I still feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin cause I've got so much to do. I DID make a list of to-dos today, and have the front page halfway planned, so that's cool. I just feel like major DOOM is happening, despite work being so much better. 

(no subject)
ramona
grlfridae
 So tired. I had a super awesome time with Jess at lunch, Shawn's got my car so I can't do any work, and that's annoying. Plus, it's nap weather. GAH. Need to work on this map project, though. The sooner I finish, the sooner I get PAID. Still, feeling LAZY.

(no subject)
ramona
grlfridae
Just about locked up today when some client asked me what I was doing special for Mothers Day. Pfft. Then she explained she was asking about ad specials. Ha! Then someone asked what Sophie & I had planned - I think it was Elisha, but I don't remember - and I had to explain that my only hasn't spoken to me since December. Then we talked about tubal reversals and babies.

Mothers Day will from here on replace Valentines Day as far as traumatic holidays, except for my mom, who is awesome and whom I love immensely, Mothers Day can go away as far as I'm concerned.

I want a kid to mother so bad. Elisha's kids are so awesome. I met them today & it was so much fun talking to them. I miss Sophie so fucking bad.

I want my husband to stop feeling so bad and freaking out.

I want my husband to show he cares more and to go off fantasy land less.

I'm so lonely.

My shrink told me that the fact that I dream about Sophie several times a night means I'm not dealing with it. How do I deal with something I can't fix, I asked her. Write a letter to her is her answer for this week. I have a few days before that's due. It'll entail gut wrenching sobbing and I hate that.

So, no, since you asked, my meds aren't working.

I had a great day, then suddenly dropped low. Please don't let me wake up like this. I'm being honored at the senior meals for Volunteer Apprecion day. Jess: you should come get appreciated with me, you're the one typing up the menus!

I will survive my life It will get easier. Business is booming and we're about to explode! I have to concentrate. I just found out the position of Main Street Coordinator is part time and pays. If we get the loan, we can staff better, letting me network more and I WANT THAT JOB.

It doesn't replace her though, not for one second of any day since December. And going to bed hungry sucks, too.

(no subject)
ramona
grlfridae
 I dare anyone to live my life, and pull it off like I do. I am a God.

night terror
ramona
grlfridae
BAD dream. A mutual friend of mine & Lance was dying (it was actually an old gf of mine he never met who just found me on fb). Shawn had to work. Me, Lance, Sophie & her damaged but really cute & fun friend Lexi drove to Minneapolis in separate cars but ended up at the same hospital/mall/hotel (yes, we shared a suite in a discount store that had a very fast huge river outside the windows). Lance was being really nice & so was Sophie.

I had left in my slippers & they were so beat up I was trying to buy new shoes from this store we were staying in but they were all shitty & tried to be made to look ok but they were gonna fall apart too. Suddenly, Lance came out of his room & picked a fight with me, & he was screaming at me & calling me stupid & other names. I ran away to leave the store/hotel suite & found a group of baby boomer age women in suits. I told them what was up & was scared for Sophie so me & a suit lady went in. Lance had killed the lights & Sophie & Lexi were in the bathroom putting on fake tattoos & came out. We hustled them over to a bench style restaurant table by the windows & saw cops everywhere, shooting at the next window over, which was Lance's. Suit lady told me he was wanted in various places for _I don't remember, but it was murder and/or rape related_. I tried to call Shawn but my phone was all jumbled. I finally got him & was begging him to drop everything & get here NOW when I realized someone was moving behind us.

I heard Lance's door quietly click open & felt scared so I got up & could barely see him walking toward the table we were at with a huge metal vase with a convenient handle...like a metal cricket bat...and a big wicker clothes hamper like my parents had when I was a kid. We used to get inside them all the time, which is positively why they're gone now. I hid behind a shelf & started picking up things & throwing at him...heavy things till I ran out & my aim was dead on & I had him on his knees, breathing heavy, then suddenly he sprang up & ran at me & swung the bat/vase & hit the right side of my head & I was dead, then I woke up screaming. Shawn sure has gotten used to this. He's snoring away & patted me in his sleep & said ,"It's ok," between snores. Sigh.

(no subject)
ramona
grlfridae
Depresssed? Oh yes I am.

Happy birthday, Sophie. 

(no subject)
ramona
grlfridae
I just got the date for my 20 year high school reunion and it's the perfect motivator. We're having a float trip Friday, and the reunion's Sunday. Should be a fun weekend of catching up. HOWEVER, that makes me even more determined to achieve a few goals by then. 

1. Get rid of the belly fat. The rest of me is just fine by me, but the fat tire around my belly button has GOT to go. I plan on wearing the tiny black bikini I got last year, HOPING I'd magically be able to wear it without being embarrassed, and be PROUD to take off my shirt.

2. Make the back as pretty as the front's gonna be. Earn enough money to put aside enough to get my phoenix on my back done. And because I'm so tough, I've decided that YES I am going to have the tail wrap around under my left arm onto my ribs, and the tails of the Sic Semper Tyrannis banner wrap around under my right arm in the same manner. No halfway. I'd better start drawing up what I want NOW to hang on my wall and motivate me to work work work! 

3. Get done earlier. Perfect my system so I can take off on FRIDAYS, even if I have to do a little work on Friday night or Saturday morning by LAPTOP...so no heavy graphic work..just final dropping things into layout and upload.

Now, to break those down into little steps and short term goals and make it happen. This is good. Something to look forward to. 

(no subject)
ramona
grlfridae
I feel like making someone hurt as much as I hurt.

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